My Resumé.

I hold the record for the longest abstinence of eating ginger and garlic, vegetables that aren’t even green like they should be. Unless you disguise them in disguises, like ginger ale or garlic bread. But nobody really counts those occasions, because that’s trickery and I’m a straight shooter.

I believe that paper breeds imagination, so I draw on desks instead. During class. Because you can’t neuter paper or imagination and because the posters on pet hospitals tell me you should. Over-population is bad enough with the crows, pigeons, and squirrels already.

Armed with only a short twig and sometimes the bottom of my right sandal, I can demolish colony after colony of ants and prove that I rightfully earned my title, the Ant-Bane. Once, using a butane lighter and newspaper, I tried burning my house down, but that didnt quite work out so I decided to become a petty arsonist and set fire to a wasps’ nest conveniently nestled underneath the gutter. I hear the police are still looking for me.

Every summer, I go feral and spend time with chickens in the wilderness, hunting for berries and dozing off in the shade. This summer, a nice lady found me and asked me if I lived on the streets at night. Or so she implied. A conversation started and she was surprised I wasn’t an illegal immigrant. I wonder how much money I would’ve got if I had said yes.

Nobody ever wants to assimilate me into their workforce because of their lack of intricate and implicit vocabulary. I know they really fear my knowledge and how I use a mnemonic device to recall the Linnaeus classification system, which I really learned from an ER and CSI addict. And maybe because I have three pages on my résumé and not two.
I have some sort of obsessive-compulsive disorder. My doctor tells me I just think I do, but that could mean the same thing.

Like Superman, I run on solar energy and go phototherapy sessions three times a week to recharge. The only drawback to this is the risk of skin cancer, and, like Superman, I can fight it off. With UVA/UVB rays.

Speaking of running, I sprint faster than Mercury, and, unlike, other people, I have ten hole-ridden socks to prove it. I take three steps at a time going up stairs and at least five descending. I have been rejected by the police academy as well as the Olympics. I blame my high metabolism, aversion to donuts, and the unwillingness to participate in drug scandals to draw attention and publicity.

I have perfectly aligned teeth and don’t need braces. The secret is a strict diet on ice cream and highly-caffeinated drinks. It doesn’t stop caviities, but I’m still working on that. It shouldn’t take long because my IQ is 11 digits long.

I had my midlife crisis four months ago. I’m going to live until I’m thirty-four. Although I should live until sixty because I said school takes up a quarter of my life. No, I’ll live forever because I’ll keep on studying and accumulate a six-million dollar debt.

It may seem like I can do a lot of things, but I can’t. ‘Cause I don’t have a beard.


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